My Burden Gladly Bearing

I have something to say, but I can't get it out. The fire comes and goes, always locked up in my bones. But I can't get it out. Yesterday, I spent upwards of an hour digging through old notes, and I believe I stumbled upon the answer: I have left my first love. I never left ministry and service...just Love.

I don't get it. No matter how faithless I am, God remains faithful. You see, I equate faith with obedience. James nailed it on the head when he wrote, "Faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself" (James 2:17). And, frankly, I have lacked in obedience and coasted on the visions of yesterday.

I haven't fallen from the faith or committed some murderous sin, (well, maybe a little hate), but I have left my first love. Ask me what my deepest desire is. I will answer, "To know God." Ask me about my career goals (monetarily), and I will reply, "I don't want riches nor man's empty praise, God's mine inheritance, now and always." Ask me even about my deepest fears. I would, no doubt, reply, "Not walking in God's will." But, the more I muse over my pain, the more I find I have missed the mark of all of these dreams.

As much as I want to be a man after God's heart, my heart does not look like His. I don't love. I don't seek. I am not righteous. At one point, I thought Romans 3:10-18 was ridiculous. Of course I do good! Of course I seek for God! Of course I understand!...No. Not one.

Not one person hits the mark. Every single one of us falls short...

"Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25a). But Christ makes a way. He gives us His life in exchange for our wretched, poor, blind, and naked life. He puts a ring upon our finger and a robe upon our back. "You are My son, My daughter, don't forget!" He says. Even though Jesus took on the flesh of man and still lived out a perfect life, He does not look down on us and say, "Suck it up!" Instead, we have a tender, loving God who looks on us with lovingkindness and supplies strength for our weakness and grace for our lack. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

There's a fire locked up in my bones. And I will stir up the flame, that gift given to me by the Holy Spirit. I will pray, "Set a fire down in my bones that I can't contain that I can't control. I want more of You, God! I want more of You!"

For this I repent: I have not loved You, Father, with all of my heart, with all of my soul, with all of my mind, and with all of my strength. I have sought to do your work, sought obedience, but I have grown weary in doing good because I did not trust in Your strength. I am not worthy to write these blogs like I feel You want me to. I am not righteous or holy. But I praise You for making a way. I praise You for covering me completely in Christ and filling me continually with the Holy Spirit. You have made a way for me to be holy and righteous. Work in me love, my Love.

"And when I think that God, His son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in; that on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin. Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee; How great Thou art, how great Thou art!"